I’m going to take a few minutes here to discuss a certain type of person. An asshole, if you will. While there are many types of assholes in the world, this one in particular is likely to strike at parties. Since it is, irrefutably, the holiday season, it seems like the best time to address this person (who is everywhere, I promise): that asshole who picks out all of the macadamia nuts.
Some of you might instantly have known to whom I was referring, while some of you might be a little puzzled. Allow me to explain, dear naive reader. Better yet, let me set a scene for you:
It is Christmas Eve, and you are at your Aunt Victoria’s house. You are having a relatively pleasant time, thanks in large part to the copious amounts of scotch you have been procuring throughout the evening. Said scotch has helped you to weather several storms already, until your Grandpa mentions that your clothes “look a bit like dikes trying to contain Hurricane Sandy’s worst.” Although you silently applaud his use of a current event in the analogy, the incident puts you off of social interaction…that is, until you’ve had another scotch. You make a beeline for the bar, and as you pour yourself your fourth (probably fifth, but who’s counting?) scotch, your poor tummy rumbles in hunger. You spot a bowl of nuts at the end of the bar and you reach for the little saviors. But as you pull the bowl nearer, all you can see are cashews and a few lonely salted almonds, and you realize that, sonofabitch, some asshole picked out all the macadamia nuts. You know this, because the bowl of nuts was your contribution to this whole ruined affair.
My apologies for any of you who had traumatic nut experiences that were triggered by the above account. It was not my intention for you to relive such wretched experiences, but all of the readers needed to know our pain. Now, your nut of choice is not important, nor are mixed nuts the real issue here. In fact, this type of asshole can strike when really any foodstuff containing more than one individual food is present:
- fruit salad - assholes who pick out all the strawberries and you’re left with a bunch of lousy cataloupe
- beef stew - assholes who pick out all the chunks of beef and potatoes and all you’ve got are some undercooked carrots and a few errant pieces of celery
- trail mix - similar to mixed nuts, but the disputed ingredient is so much more important, since it’s chocolate
- chili - assholes who leave all the beans